The Cool, The Lame And The Very Ugly
by Laguna Kisaragi
Summary: A battle between a few guys. Please review!


Setting: A nice sunny day in the park. The world famous gambler, Setzer Gabbiani, is walking around with Laguna Kisaragi when they meet Kefka Palazo.  
  
Kefka: Hey, Setzer! You suck @$$!  
  
Setzer: WHAT?!  
  
Laguna: Hey, calm down, dude! You don't see me trying to rip someone's head off when they call me names.  
  
Kefka: Yeah, we do, actually.  
  
Laguna: Grrr... Hey, it's not like you never beat someone else up because they called you a girl that wears lipstick.  
  
Kefka: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!  
  
Laguna and Setzer high five each other, grinning. Kefka does the arm thing like Zell does in Final Fantasy 8. Laguna sticks his finger up at Kefka.   
  
Kefka: AYE! I'LL SHOVE AN ELECTRIC EGG-BEATER UP YOUR ANAL PIPE AND FLIP THE SWITCH!   
  
Kefka holds up an electric egg-beater in his hand, whirring it. The three disappear and reappear in a battle scene.  
  
Setzer: A battle scene! Keeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwl!  
  
Laguna's battle gauge fills up first. Laguna attacks Kefka by pulling out a pencil and stabbing Kefka with it.   
  
Kefka: OUCH! (He gets stabbed again) OOCH! (He gets stabbed once more) EECH! (Once again he is stabbed with the pencil) Ack! (He is stabbed with the pencil for the last time).  
  
Then Setzer's gauge fills up. Setzer takes out his deck of cards. Setzer throws the cards at Kefka, cutting Kefka's skin.   
  
Kefka: OWWIE!  
  
Laguna: You should've though twice about pickin' on the Kisaragi Kid and his friends!  
  
Kefka: You have no friends! You're a God-damn loner!  
  
Setzer: (Starts laughing to himself)  
  
Laguna: SHUDDAP!  
  
Kefka attacks by whacking Laguna with an Apple I-Mac. Laguna starts laughing at the pain.   
  
Kefka: Why won't you get hurt?  
  
Laguna: Because I'm, like, the author of this fanfic and I get to do whatever I want!  
  
Setzer: Really? Even make Kefka go out with Cindy Nullmeyer?  
  
Laguna: Hmmm... Good idea, Setzer!  
  
Setzer: (Snickers)  
  
Kefka: Cindy who?  
  
Laguna's battle gauge fills up.   
  
Laguna runs forward, kicking Kefka's leg. Laguna finishes off his attack by kicking Kefka in the nads and watching blood splatter across Kefka's pants.   
  
Kefka: (In a squeaky voice) Oi! I'll get you! Oh, my nads!  
  
Setzer is laughing like mad.   
  
Setzer: Nice attack, Laguna! (Setzer's battle gauge fills up)  
  
Setzer summons up Bahamut.  
  
Bahamut: MEGAFLARE!  
  
Bahamut burns Kefka to a crisp.   
  
Kefka: (Blows some smoke out of his mouth) Ouch!  
  
Kefka's turn. Kefka casts Ultima on Setzer, doing 9998 damage to him. Setzer only has 1 HP left. Laguna's gauge fills up. Laguna runs forward with a tree limb in his hands. Laguna starts whacking Kefka around with it. Setzer's gauge is full, so Setzer decides to use his Limit Break, Red Card, on Kefka.  
  
Setzer: (To Laguna) Let's make mince-meat of the poor little thing!  
  
Laguna: Let's!  
  
Setzer grabs three cards and fans them out in his hand with a swift flick. Setzer is about to throws the cards when Laguna interrupts him.   
  
Laguna: Wait a minute. What kind of cards are you using?  
  
Setzer looks at his cards.  
  
Setzer: Erm, Pokémon Gym Hero Cards. Why do you ask?  
  
Laguna: GYM HERO CARDS?! WHY ARE YOU USING THOSE?!  
  
Laguna confiscates the Gym Hero cards and hands Setzer some Digimon Collector Cards.  
  
Setzer: What's the difference between these two types of cards?  
  
Laguna: Let's see... Pokémon cards have blunt corners, so they won't do as much damage. Digimon cards, on the other hand, have sharp corners, thicker card and they'll hurt more at contact.  
  
Kefka: (Still with a sqeaky voice) Ahem! Hurry up and beat the @#$% outta me!  
  
Setzer: Okay, okay.  
  
Setzer throws his cards at Kefka, poking one of Kefka's eyes out. Kefka slowly passes away. Then Laguna's gauge fills up. Laguna casts Full-life on Kefka.  
  
Laguna: Hehehe! I've got something worse than death!  
  
Laguna whistles with two fingers and watches a very ugly girl walk into the battle scene. The girl is wearing a small bikini. Her hair is all curly and sticks out. She looks pale and anorexic. Her top lip sticks out. Laguna and Setzer look away, to avoid being blinded by such a horrific monster.   
  
Cindy: How ya doing, my Kefkalicious lover?  
  
Kefka: Kefkalicious? Lover?! OH GOD! I'M ABOUT TO PUKE!   
  
Cindy: Oh, come one, Kefka! You say you hate me, but deep down you really WANT me!   
  
Laguna and Setzer high five each other.   
  
Cindy: Let's get into bed and have some FUUUUUUUUUN!  
  
Kefka: N-NO! THIS JUST HAS TO BE A NIGHTMARE!  
  
Cindy: Oh, no. It's not a nightmare. It's a dream come true!  
  
Kefka: OH MY GOD! LET ME OUTTA HERE!  
  
Kefka bangs on the edge of the screen.   
  
Cindy: Let's get married, Kefka! Let's have children! Let's start right away!  
  
Kefka: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Laguna and Setzer: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!  
  
Cindy: Come on, Sexy!  
  
Kefka: OH MY GOD! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!  
  
~~~FIN~~~ 


End file.
